I suddenly realised, I have no goals in my life except if you consider Ace-ing all subjects. I'm failing in every aspect of my life. I'm doing things that my heart tells me to give up on.
In band, I found my second family among the percussionist but band on the other hand, is also ruining my life. Band took away at least 24819^0/2^2 of my life. It's like a rose with many sharp torns. I really like the rose. But when I go closer, to touch it, I get hurt. I can say I do my best in every practices I can attend but does anyone except my section mate appreciate me? They say each band member is important but is that really so? If I cannot make it for band competition, I can still be replaced, I am certain.
Although Lai Cheng is sometimes naggy, although I feel irritated by it sometimes, but when she encourages us everytime, like saying that we improved in our attitude, I feel contented, I feel happy, I feel like coming for the next practice again, to feel recognised by her. Although it may not be the skill that we improved in. Now that Kumar is seldom here, it is Lai Cheng's little comment and our huge loving section that keeps me coming back.
In the past, I have a little goal in band. But now, I'm losing it. I only want to be a normal band member, out of anybody's sight, I just want to do my own part well for band, for my section, for Kumar and for myself. I hate it that we are ranked, that in their eyes, we are never good, that they get so stingy when praising people but so good at picking on our mistakes, things or time we can't meet. So many many many times, she made me feel like skipping practices, she made me feel not respected, that we are just another object with no feelings, she made me feel doubted. Did she ever know that? I know she's stressed but aren't we too? When she scolds us, I tell myself I want to be better than her but how? When she make me feel like i'm worthless and I had intended to skip band. That's an insult to me.
When I told my cousin i'm in band, proudly, he asked me why I wanted torture myself. I confidently replied to him that it was not a torture but fun, fun and more fun. Now, am I beginning to lose my confidence?
When it is band, I have so much fun to talk about, so much to complain about, so much tears and laughter about.
So much for being a band geek.
I'm sorry. You can find someone more worthy. Really.
Time to cheer myself up. Ain't that a very sexy conductor? Can you find Kumar?
